Today really, really, really sucked.
AND the best part of all, we are only just beginning. There will be many, many, many more really bad, truly awful days.
Kyle has been sick with Swine Flu since last Friday. This particular flu is not so bad unless you are Carolena. She hits all the high marks of being high risk of death from Swine Flu if she gets sick. She is less than 6 months old, she has an underlying condition with her congenital heart defects and she has no spleen which means her immune system is missing one of the vital organs in fighting the flu. Seriously.
Of course as Kyle gets better, Todd gets sick. Yesterday I got to pick him up from school for the first time in over 2 weeks. As soon as he gets in the car he sneezes. As I look back at him I can just see that he does not feel good. By the time we get home he is running a fever and admits that he feels a little sick. I am so over the flu.
Kevin and I both just went to get our flu shots. I figured while I was there I would triple my vaccination fun and get pneumonia and tdap as well. Yes. I am crazy like that. Just one of the joys of having no spleen. Apparently I should be taking a low dose of antibiotics as well (just like Carolena) but I do not. I guess I just like living on the edge.
So today begins with no sleep as Carolena had a rough night and I get to deal with all of it as Kevin is still sleeping outside in the scamp with Todd to keep him and his germs out of the house. Totally sucks. Then I get to feel like a truly terrible mother as Todd is dropped off at my sister in laws house because we just cannot risk Carolena getting sick. I am now kicking both of my older kiddos out of the house when they feel just awful and want nothing more than mom and their own bed. To top it all off, I take Carolena to the pediatrician for a follow-up appointment and learn that I am totally failing in my care of her. At now just over 2 weeks old she should be close to if not at her birth weight. Well, she is not even close. Even better, she has lost even more weight than when we took her to the doctor last week.
Weight is key when it comes to heart babies. If she is not gaining weight then there are all kinds of problems. Her heart could be failing. She could not be getting enough for her brain to develop correctly. And on and on and on. So even though she has been nursing every 2.5 hours it is not enough. She is not getting enough food. On top of everything else I now have to ramp up her feedings. I am at a very low place right now and I cannot even think how much worse this is going to get.
Occasionally I think it would almost be better if she were still in the hospital. At least then with it staring me right in the face I am not able to get any grand ideas about how normal she is. Carolena is not normal and she never will be.
The other day I prayed to God that I will accept whatever He has chosen for Carolena but please, please do not let her suffer. I think daily about losing her and it sucks. And with more confirmation making it real for me it sucks even worse. I am being humbled by this whole experience of having such a sick baby and do not think for one minute that Carolena is not a very sick little baby because she is. And this is something that I cannot let go. She is home for now but I do not know how long that will be. I still have not completed her nursery because the more I do the more attached I am to her. I am scared everyday and today truly sucked.