Twice today I was asked, "so, what are you having?" I do not know how other women feel but I feel this question to be somewhat personal in nature. Ranks right up there for me with total strangers touching my belly...puts me on edge. Especially when that is then followed by, "oh, you do not know, are you going to find out" and so far my personal favorite, "are you hoping for a girl, with 2 boys and all." Maybe knowing that this baby has a major heart problem and all is tainting my outlook. Maybe it is because I am a private person...to the point most people think me aloof or cold. Maybe it is because the last thing I want to focus on right now are the problems in this pregnancy. I don't know but I feel that if I wanted you to know details about my pregnancy, I would tell you. I feel out of sorts and uncomfortable answering these questions as the two people who asked are people I know but they are not friends and/or family. Obviously we are telling people the sex of the baby but I still have a hard time answering the question when asked.
I am now in my 21st week. My belly has really expanded and the baby is really moving around a lot. I am feeling tons of kicking. I think somehow I am still in denial (it is easy to do when the baby is not here yet).
Every day I cry.
I cry because I am constantly scared of what the future will bring. I dread knowing I have to go through countless more ultrasounds and echocardiograms. I wonder each time if the doctors will find something even worse. I dread having to go through what I do know and dread that which I do not know. I already know I will have to deliver the baby in St. Pete, at an unfamiliar hospital, with a doctor I do not know (not my own ob), with a c-section which will prevent me from going to even see my baby for hours possibly even a full day due to the baby being immediately moved to the pediatric cardic icu at All Children's. I have no idea if I will be able to nurse the baby due to eating issues. I know that the baby will spend at least 4 to 5 weeks in cardic icu without knowing if the baby will survive the first surgery or if we will be in the hospital even longer than that. I am scared that I will not feel bonded to the baby as I am constantly scared of losing the baby. I know I will be in St. Pete for weeks/months with the new baby without Kyle and Todd. I know I will miss the first day of school for Kyle and Todd. At a new school for both of them. I panic that I am sacrificing the good of the whole for the good of one. I am terrified that somehow my insurance will not cover all the medical costs and even it if does we will rack up tons of debt in medical bills. When we can least afford to do so.
With so much going on I find it very hard to talk about the fun stuff, like the sex of the baby. I cannot ask why, all that would accomplish is anguish for me. I cannot focus on people who do everything wrong during pregnancy and still manage to have a completly healthy baby. There are no answers. There is only faith. And hope.