Tuesday, April 14, 2009

More thoughts on baby

Twice today I was asked, "so, what are you having?" I do not know how other women feel but I feel this question to be somewhat personal in nature. Ranks right up there for me with total strangers touching my belly...puts me on edge. Especially when that is then followed by, "oh, you do not know, are you going to find out" and so far my personal favorite, "are you hoping for a girl, with 2 boys and all." Maybe knowing that this baby has a major heart problem and all is tainting my outlook. Maybe it is because I am a private person...to the point most people think me aloof or cold. Maybe it is because the last thing I want to focus on right now are the problems in this pregnancy. I don't know but I feel that if I wanted you to know details about my pregnancy, I would tell you. I feel out of sorts and uncomfortable answering these questions as the two people who asked are people I know but they are not friends and/or family. Obviously we are telling people the sex of the baby but I still have a hard time answering the question when asked.

I am now in my 21st week. My belly has really expanded and the baby is really moving around a lot. I am feeling tons of kicking. I think somehow I am still in denial (it is easy to do when the baby is not here yet).

Every day I cry.

I cry because I am constantly scared of what the future will bring. I dread knowing I have to go through countless more ultrasounds and echocardiograms. I wonder each time if the doctors will find something even worse. I dread having to go through what I do know and dread that which I do not know. I already know I will have to deliver the baby in St. Pete, at an unfamiliar hospital, with a doctor I do not know (not my own ob), with a c-section which will prevent me from going to even see my baby for hours possibly even a full day due to the baby being immediately moved to the pediatric cardic icu at All Children's. I have no idea if I will be able to nurse the baby due to eating issues. I know that the baby will spend at least 4 to 5 weeks in cardic icu without knowing if the baby will survive the first surgery or if we will be in the hospital even longer than that. I am scared that I will not feel bonded to the baby as I am constantly scared of losing the baby. I know I will be in St. Pete for weeks/months with the new baby without Kyle and Todd. I know I will miss the first day of school for Kyle and Todd. At a new school for both of them. I panic that I am sacrificing the good of the whole for the good of one. I am terrified that somehow my insurance will not cover all the medical costs and even it if does we will rack up tons of debt in medical bills. When we can least afford to do so.

With so much going on I find it very hard to talk about the fun stuff, like the sex of the baby. I cannot ask why, all that would accomplish is anguish for me. I cannot focus on people who do everything wrong during pregnancy and still manage to have a completly healthy baby. There are no answers. There is only faith. And hope.

7 comments:

Laura said...

I cannot begin to understand where you are, because I haven't been there, but you know what? I am ready to go with you every step of the way, no matter what happens! That is what family and friends are for...to walk beside us and help each other through the tough times. We are all here for you, sweetheart, in whatever capacity you need us. Just a phone call or email away. ♥ you much and always and we are still praying fervently.

Anonymous said...

Ashley, my heart aches for you. I pray everyday that God will give you and Kevin the strength to handle whatever the future may bring. And I pray for our baby girl. I know exactly where you're coming from in not feeling like talking right now. I too am a private person and others get upset with me when I "shut down" and isolate myself. But, it's what I have to do at times and I am only doing what is best for me and you've got to do the same ... do what is best for you. And don't feel guilty about doing that!!! I love you so much and wish I could make it all better.

Aunt J

Kristi said...

All those dreaded hormones don't make things easier, either! I felt like you when I was on bedrest with Brooks. I couldn't hold Kate. I couldn't pick her up. I missed her 18 month checkup because I was in the bed. And, I just cried. I remember those days of anxiety. But, now they are just memories. I hope that you can keep that in perspective. The boys will be fine. You have Kevin to lean on. I'm sure that he can take more than you realize (at least that was the case with Scott). Just keep praying that you and Kevin can handle WHATEVER happens. Good or bad. We love you all dearly - wish we could be closer!

Keysgal@QuietWater said...

Sweet Ashley....I know that the next few months are going to be difficult because of the "not knowing" and the things that will be after the baby is born. It's Ok to cry as tears do tend to relieve anxiety and it's OK to maintain your privacy. I won't even suggest that I understand the depth of your emotions. All I can offer to you is that I am walking right there with you and Kevin every step of the way for whatever help you need. Caring for my precious grands, helping financially, or whatever will most help. As far as the people asking you questions you don't want to answer, perhaps your sister can give you a good comeback....she tends to nail responses in a very appropriate way while getting the point across. Try to remember that people, for the most part, mean well and don't realize they are making you uncomfortable. I have no magic to make it all better but I do have lots of love for you. I continue to pray every day for you, Kevin, the boys and our little one yet to be born. I have faith that God is listening and will give you the strength you need to handle whatever comes your way. Love and hugs, Mama

Kristi said...

{sniffle} WTG Aunt Pat! :)

Aunt Ellen said...

Have been trying all day to find the right words to say, Ashley, as I cried when I read your blog this AM. None of us can truly relate to all the pain each day brings for you. Just want you to know that we are praying constantly for you all. We love you and have you in our thoughts so much each day. I know the road looks rough, but we will be with you, no matter what. Take care and keep us posted when you can.

Lizz said...

You have the right to feel the way you do. You will find the strength to getthrough this. I am praying for you always. Take care!