I generally refrain from posting anything on here about my relationship with God or my struggles with faith. However, I have had a light bulb moment recently and I really wanted to write about the truth I am just coming to realize.
God makes mistakes.
Now, stay with me here. I know this is not what we (especially me in the religion I was raised in) are taught to believe. But, this idea is one I have been playing around with for a while.
For a little background, I have always had issues with death. I guess mostly the finality of it all. Death is permanent and so devastating to the ones left behind. Losing Todd and then my dad so close together just seemed unfathomable to me. I could not even find my way up much less understand why God allowed them to die. I also have issues with what I perceive as what is fair and just. I always want things to be fair and justice served. I have suffered so much already and I play by all the rules. I am a good person, I do what I think God would want me to do so why do I have the child with severe heart defects? Should not the couple who flaunts all the rules and what is right pay the price? Why would the couple who does not even want a child, who is selfish in their very being be rewarded with a perfectly health child? But in reality all that thought process has done for me is make me miserable, self righteous and judgmental.
Yet, still I question if it is fair for a 3 year old to be beaten to death by the child's mother's boyfriend? What did the poor innocent child ever do to deserve a short life filled with so much pain, misery and shattered innocence? Why did not God strike down the man beating the child before the child paid the ultimate price? Why are children the world over being abused and debased? And of course this extends out to countries in civil war and genocide. Innocent, vulnerable people filled with pain and terror and then death. Where is God then? Why do babies and children get cancer and suffer horribly? Why are babies born with birth defects and genetic diseases? Why do I have a baby who looks perfect on the outside but has a horribly defective heart that causes other issues? A baby who may not live past 1 year of age. A baby who CANNOT be healed. A baby who if she reaches adulthood will face a whole host of other health issues on top of the idea that death is imminent and questions of WHY ME?
Because God makes mistakes.
And the idea is born.
I have recently begun reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. I am particularly intrigued about Kushners' thoughts and interpretation of the book of Job. Job, a righteous man. A true believer in God who even when God takes everything away from him still believes and worships God. Why would God strike down a man who is absolute in his faith and worship of God? Many thoughts prevail but as Kushner notes there are three basic principles that apply. "1. God is all-powerful and causes everything that happens in the world. Nothing happens without His willing it. 2. God is just and fair, and stands for people getting what they deserve, so that the good prosper and the wicked are punished. 3. Job is a good person." Yet, as Kushner points out, we cannot possible think all three principles at the same time when Job is being struck down and suffering. Job cannot possibly be a good person if God is making him suffer because God would only make the evil and wicked suffer. Therefore you must believe that either Job is a bad person, God is not fair and just or that God is not all-powerful.
The more I was thinking of Job and the three principles the more I was coming to the realization that God makes mistakes. I still absolutely believe that God IS all-powerful. However, I do not think that Job was a bad person and I am coming to believe that God may be just and fair but it does not apply they way I (we) would like to see.
God makes mistakes.
The more I tossed this idea around the more it began to make sense to me. See, as I understand the teachings of the Bible, God made us in his own image. If God did indeed make us in his own image and we are not perfect and we can fail and we can make mistakes does it not stand to reason then that God is also not perfect, that God can fail and that God can make mistakes? He is in charge of the entire world...can he possibly keep his eyes on everything at all times?
This then leads me to my next thought.
God is merciful.
I think God is merciful because He knows He makes mistakes. If He is perfect and everything that happens is sanctioned by Him, then why would he need mercy? He would tell us that He does know and sanctions all and that we just need to deal with it. Period.
I don't believe that anymore. I think God knows he is fallible and therefore he extends mercy to us in a way to "make it up" to us. Mercy to me is that Carolena does look perfect on the outside. She is not still in the hospital and did not undergo any heart surgeries in the first week of life. Of course I think God extends mercy in many different ways. I think God knows exactly how much we can handle. For some, even though terribly tragic, the lose of their child is God extending mercy to the parents.
Which brings me to my last point. Faith.
I know God does not perform many miracles. Even Jesus when He was with us on earth did not perform all that many miracles despite how many suffering people pleaded with him to do so. Jesus, nor God, performed the ultimate miracle in saving himself from being executed for no real crime. Jesus was teaching us that we must have faith because God is not just going to step in and perform a miracle just because we ask or pray for one. Even though God does not answer our cry for a miracle when He makes a mistake (therefore being just and fair in correcting what He did) we must still have faith that God exists, that He does know what is happening and that He will have mercy on us when He makes a mistake.
I have no idea what will happen from here. I know God already knows what will happen and I have to trust in Him to know what is right for Carolena and for my family. I have to believe and have faith that God does have a purpose for everything that happens even when he loses track and mistakes are made. Carolena still has a very long road ahead of her with super scary surgeries and lots of risks but I have to have faith in God.